Rhymes With Smash!

The musings of Megan Paasch, and other stuff.

Archive for the category “personal”

Waking Up

This post is kind of personal. I’m not sure why I feel so nervous writing it, but I do. But I also feel like I should. So here we go.

I want to talk about why this blog has been a dead zone for the last seven months. Until recently, I thought it was just because I couldn’t think of anything to say. But that’s not really it. I have lots of things to say. It’s why I write novels. It’s why I take part on social media. It’s why I talk to myself when I think no one’s listening . . . I mean, that’s totally normal right? Yeah, totally normal.

But lately, it feels like I’ve been in a fog. Like I have things to say, but I can’t articulate them. A brain fog. And I’ve been tired. Super, ridiculously tired. Tired to the point where I got concerned and thought for several months about maybe going to the doctor, and then finally actually went, and spilled my guts out about everything I was worried could be wrong with me. This is not something that I do. And it was especially hard, because it was a brand new doctor. My old one, who I was sort of used to (if you can say that going to see someone once in a blue moon when I felt like I might have a sinus infection is enough to get used to someone) moved away a few years ago, and yeah . . . I hadn’t found a replacement since. I don’t like to go to the doctor unless I’m dying. Not the best philosophy, I know, but I’m working on being better about that.

So anyway, I went to the doctor. I said I thought maybe it was my thyroid. Or I thought maybe it was Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Or I thought maybe I was just depressed. Or maybe all of the above. I did not tell her that I thought maybe it was cancer, but of course I thought maybe it was cancer. Everybody always thinks maybe it’s cancer. Even WebMD always thinks maybe it’s cancer. (Spoiler: it’s not cancer.)

I’m not a hypochondriac, but it really was getting ridiculous how tired I was. It was interfering with daily life. I couldn’t keep up with the house, I couldn’t keep up with the kids, I certainly couldn’t exercise. And I couldn’t write. Not very much anyway. I could write more than I could do the other things, because I could do that while sprawled on the couch. But with the physical fatigue came mental fatigue, and so any writing time that I had, I used for working on the bigger “more important” stuff: the novels and my monthly blog post for Thinking Through Our Fingers. Short stories, flash fiction, and personal blogs fell to the wayside.

I know there are some of you who know me outside the realm of the internet who might read this and be surprised. If we’ve hung out, I’ve probably seemed fine. And I mean, I do have good days too. Some days I’ll wake up and have tons of energy, and I’ll feel awesome, and so I’ll want to take advantage of that and spend time with friends and/or get a bunch of stuff done while I can. And I usually overdo it because I know that for the next day or two or three, I’ll be wiped no matter what. Happens every time. And sometimes I just force myself to get out despite how tired I am, because hello, I want to hang out with you. But not here. Over at your house please, or somewhere in the middle, because I’m too exhausted to tidy everything up. And though each and every one of you has told me it’s okay and it’s probably not that bad, I’m embarrassed. Because I’m a perfectionist too. Exhaustion and perfectionism do not make good bedfellows.

So anyway, it turns out my thyroid is awesome (yay!) but my iron and vitamin D levels are super duper low. In other words, I should have 1) been taking my Flintstones everyday like a good little girl, and 2) gone to the doctor a hell of a lot earlier. Now I’m on some mega-dose vitamins and after a month or so of taking them, I’m just now–like, within the last week–starting to wake up.

I feel like I’ve been sleepwalking for the last year or so. And as I’ve been getting some energy back, I’ve been remembering things that I used to do, that I’d stopped doing, that I want to do again. I’ve been remembering what I was like before I got so tired. I didn’t remember any of that while I was tired. I was just tired. I just didn’t want to do anything. I was depressed, but I didn’t know if I was depressed because I was tired, or if I was tired because I was depressed.

Seems like maybe I was depressed because I was tired, because I’m feeling a lot better now.

So what is the point of this post? I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to explain where old me has been the last year or so. Probably longer than that. It’s been slowly building for quite a while, and I think maybe it’s been more obvious to other people that I’m not like I used to be than it has to me. And I guess the other point of this post is to say that I’m trying. I’m working on it, and things are getting better. I’ve been exercising every day. I’ve been getting out more, communicating more, being more…present? I guess? I’ve felt more present anyway. I’ve been in a better mood. And I feel like my brain is starting to work again–I’m feeling creative again, I’m feeling smart, and I’m feeling much more focused. It’s amazing what the lack of one little mineral and one little vitamin can do to you.

The old me isn’t back yet. But she is on her way. And she’s looking forward to whipping life back into shape.

See you next Monday.


Everybody Get Down in the TARDISSSSSSSSS!

It’s been a rough week, getting back into a routine after having been on break for two weeks. But I survived!


And that only means one thing. . . .




So start the music. . . .

And. . . .














Getting a little tired now. . . .


Just gotta make it . . . to the end of . . . the song. . . .


Okay I’m done.


2014 in Review and Goals for the New Year

Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I reflected on my attitude this year. Stress, anxiety, and general grumpiness has been my prevailing mood for some reason, and I’m really not sure why. Because as I look back over everything that’s happened this year—everything I’ve done—it’s been pretty amazing. Maybe that’s why. So many new, exciting things packed into 365 days can be overwhelming. I’m certainly a different person than I was in 2013 because of them. It’s been a year of transition, I think, and my brain is just now starting to catch up and realize it. So as a reminder and a gift to myself, I’m going to list all the great things that happened this year.

For me, 2014 was a year of friendship, overwhelming support, adventure, and accomplishment. I wish I could go into details but that would make this post ridiculously long, so I’ll list:


I finished CHARLOTTE ELEMENTAL. I started it two? three? years ago, and this year, I FINISHED it. Revisions and edits and all.

I entered CHARLOTTE ELEMENTAL in Pitch Wars on a whim, never thinking in a million years it would get picked. It did, and for the next two months, I worked with my amazing mentor, Julie Sondra Decker, to polish it up even more and now I love it. I love it so much. I thought I loved it before, but that was puppy love. Now I LOVE love it. Thank you, Julie.

I started querying for the first time. Scary stuff, that. But I’m doing it.

I wrote a new short story that surprised me.

I became a regular contributor to a fantastic writing blog called Thinking Through Our Fingers, which you should really go check out.

I started work on an ambitious fiction blog project called One Hundred Forty Characters which will launch early-mid January. I’ll have a blog post up with more details sometime next week, so keep an eye out for that.


I met several Twitter peeps in person this year and had a great time hanging out with each one. You are all such smart, fun people, and I’m so glad I got to meet you.

I took part in GISHWHES, like Pitch Wars, on a whim, and out of that discovered an amazing tight-knit, supportive group of friends. GISHWHES took place all the way back in August, and we still log into our Facebook group nearly every day just to say “hi,” and share our good news and bad, commiserate, offer hugs, and cheer each other up when things are rough. I love my team.

The 2014 Pitch Wars mentees and alternates have also formed a pretty close-knit group and we’re all still actively in contact, offering up support and commiseration with the querying process, new writing projects, and just general life stuff. Basically, I’ve met a lot of fantastic people this year, online and off.

I went to my first con ever, VanCon (a con for the TV show Supernatural) with Carey Torgesen. She shared a hotel room with me for three days and still likes me, so that’s pretty freaking awesome. We had so much fun at the con and walking around Vancouver, I can’t even begin to go over it all. Oh, and this happened:


And this:


And we also ate dinner one table away from Mark Pellegrino, which was actually a pretty bizarre coincidence because, though he played Lucifer on Supernatural, he didn’t actually take part in the con this year.

Then in September, Carey and I took another quick road trip down to Portland for Heidi Schulz’s HOOK’S REVENGE launch party which was amazing.

All in all, looking back, I’ve met some great people this year, grown closer to others, and accomplished a lot as a writer. It’s been a great year!

In 2015, I want to expand on those accomplishments, and also work on some more personal things that I’ve let slide. So here are a few of my goals for the coming year:

Goals for 2015:

Count your blessings

Remember to say “no”

Remember to say “yes”

Take risks

Go on adventures

Find the good, the funny, or the entertaining in every situation

Go for walks

Write another book. Or two.

Read more

Drink more water

De-clutter both house and head

Diet and exercise for health, not for size

And remember—life is what you make it. Stay positive.

Stuff and Things

Hey! Well look at you! *squints through the screen* It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

My blog posts have been kind of sparse as of late, but there’s a reason for that. You see, I spent the bulk of the summer working on revisions (more revisions, always revisions, constant revisions, argh) for my contemporary fantasy, “Charlotte Elemental,” so that I could enter it in Brenda Drake’s Pitch Wars. If you don’t know what that is, you can read all about it here.

And I did it! I finished! And you know what else? Julie Sondra Decker chose me to be her mentee! And all the !!!!!!

No really. This was my tweet when I saw my name on the list:

(Umm…”Slaash” was my Halloween Twitter handle. Don’t judge.) And everything after that was just one exciting blur. Within a few days though, I calmed down, and together, Julie and I got to work. For the last two months I’ve been going through more revisions. And more revisions. And polishing up my pitch. And my query. And, and, and soon–as in, a week soon–my pitch and excerpt will go up on Brenda’s blog for all the participating agents to take a look at and decide whether they’d like to request more material.

No, I’m not nervous or anything. Why would I be nervous? *twitch* Nope, perfect picture of tranquility here. Heh. Eheh. Eheheh. ANYWAY, carrying on. . . .

I may be less busy soon, or even if I’m not, I want to be sure to set aside more time to blog. I want to make blogging a regular habit. It may be once a week or once a month–we’ll have to see what ends up working. But I definitely don’t want to let another three months go by with nothing here for you to read. No, don’t tell me it’s ok. You want to read my things. Yes you do.

That’s right. You’re welcome.

Oh hey, and before you go, take a look at the bar at the top of this blog. See how there are new page linky thingies up there? “Shorts” sends you to a list of (surprise!) my short stories and flash fiction, and “Interviews” sends you to . . . okay, you get it. I also updated my bio. But you don’t need to look at that. (You should go look at that too. I mean, if you want to.)


First Time Bubble – Serge Melki https://flic.kr/p/8bXLT6

Do you like bubbles? I do.

But they’re fragile little things, aren’t they? Tap them too hard and they pop. Usually. But sometimes one will land on something and instead of bursting, it will sit there, and you poke at it, and it wobbles but still sits there…and sits…and sits… A ticking time bomb. And then the breeze hits it just right, or you blow on it, or maybe you just go right out and smack it, or maybe…maybe you don’t do anything at all, and suddenly – pop! – it’s gone.

The last year or so, I’ve felt like a bubble. The kind that doesn’t pop but probably will any minute. I’ve been reluctant to talk about it much because nothing bad has happened. I know a lot of people who have really huge stressors in their lives right now, and I feel I have no right to complain. But you know what? I’m stressed. I’m really, really stressed. It’s the little stressors, you know? Just one thing after another. And they add up.

Most of it I bring upon myself. I have a penchant for freaking out over things that I don’t need to. And I’m a procrastinator – I’m easily overwhelmed and I deal with that by ignoring things until the last minute, and then OH MY GOD I HAVE TO DO THIS THING RIGHT NOW AND IT’S SO HARD AND I CAN’T EVEN THINK! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?! This may be something as big as prepping for a vacation, or something as tiny as making a phone call. It doesn’t matter. I will have ALL the anxiety.

So here’s the thing about stress. When you’re stressed much of the time, it tends to put you in a bad mood. And when you’re in a bad mood much of the time, you tend to think of things in a negative light, which stresses you out, which puts you in a bad mood, which causes you to think negatively about things, and so on, and so on.

I used to be a super positive person. I always saw the glass as half full and I always felt that I was a very lucky person. I still feel like a very lucky person. Heck, I know I’m a very lucky person. I’ve just been forgetting to remember that lately.

This next bit is going to sound whiny, but bear with me:

Today was yet another day where it seemed like all the little things that could go wrong, did. I didn’t get enough sleep even though this time, I actually made it a point to go to bed at a decent hour. The kids were hyper-active and cranky. I was cranky. My husband was sick – still. The sky was gray, the cat puked, I forgot to throw wet clothes in the dryer last night, the three year old peed through several pairs of pants, we were out of spoons, etc, etc. Little things. Normal little things. But I woke up in a negative mindset and I kept at it all day, through tantrums and time-outs, and through finding that freaking spider in the laundry basket. Holy crap that spider.

And yet again, I forgot to plan dinner and was too tired and grouchy to cook anyway. So I told everyone I’d go pick up something delicious and asked what everyone wanted. We decided on Thai food for the adults and McDonalds for the kids because the two restaurants are right next to each other. Boom. Easy-peasy.

On the way to pick up food, I stopped to get gas. I put the nozzle in the gas tank, hit the button, and stood there for a few minutes before I realized no gas was actually being pumped, then hoped no one noticed I’d just been standing there looking stupid and tried again, this time with success. I got back on the road, and was about halfway to the restaurant when a pick-up truck crossed the center line on a very steep, very curvy bit of road that also happens to butt up against a cliff, and nearly hit me head-on. I was lucky – I happened to be at one of the few sections of road with room to swerve, and I did so while rattling off a string of profanities that would make a sailor blush.

In other words, my day was still not going well.

But then on the way back home, driving along, angry music blaring, I saw a bubble. That’s right, a bubble, just like the kind the kids make by blowing soapy water through a wand. It was floating along by itself, no houses or kids in sight. On either side of the road was forest, so the bubble must have traveled quite a ways, and all that time without popping.

It made me smile. And oddly, it made me feel calm. And for some reason that I really can’t explain, that one little thing, that small pocket of air trapped within a film of soap, made me rethink my attitude.

I was almost in a horrible car accident. Almost. But I wasn’t. I was lucky. I almost folded a spider into my seven year old’s pajamas, but I saw it at the last minute and relocated it outside. That was also lucky. My potty training three year old went through a few pairs of pants today, but he also made it to the bathroom several times as well. That’s progress. And all the chores I’ve been stressing out over? They’re in preparation for a visit from family members that we haven’t seen in over a year. That? That’s awesome.

And being in just the right place at just the right time to see that bubble in the middle of nowhere? That’s amazing.

More stuff happened. There was plastic in my food and a piece of blue chicken (yes you read that right) in my husband’s. The kids fought bedtime as usual. I didn’t get three-quarters of the things done that I wanted to do today. But I didn’t choke on the plastic, my husband didn’t eat the chicken (and the fresh rolls were delicious and had nothing strange or dangerous about them as far as I could tell), the kids calmed down and went to sleep, and I…well I still didn’t get stuff done, but I’m ok with it. I was reminded today that yes, I’m busy and I’m stressed, but I’m also very lucky and I need to make it a point to remind myself of that more often.

And you know what else? The forecast tomorrow calls for sun. I think I’ll go outside and blow some bubbles. Maybe one of mine will be carried off on the breeze and go on an adventure like the one I saw today. And maybe it in turn will make someone else’s day. I’d like to think so. Wouldn’t you?

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